A Birder's Letter to Santa

Photo by Michelle Black, Audubon Photography Awards.

By Steve Phenicie

Georgia Audubon volunteer and writer extraordinaire penned this tongue-in-cheek letter to Santa back in 2018. We enjoyed it so much we decided to bring it back for 2021.

Dear Santa,

Everyone else writes to you at this time of year, so a birder should too. Here are some things that the friends of the feather-clad would like this year:

• Feral cats that sign pledges to become vegetarians.
• Bird feeders that slap squirrels on the wrist and deliver a stern lecture when they attempt a raid.
• Ivory-billed Woodpeckers that show up at convenient times and places, such as in my sector during the Christmas Bird Count.
• A masseuse on every bird walk who gives massages after you have been craning your neck to look at those warblers and tanagers in the tree tops.
• Politicians who say: “You’d like lots of money for bird habitat? Boy, are we glad you asked! We have a mountain of it sitting here, and no one knows what to do with it. The cleaning staff complains all the time about having to dust it.”
• Self-cleaning birdhouses.
• ADHD treatments for kinglets that don’t hold still long enough for you to look at them.
• A new wardrobe for Hairy Woodpeckers so they don’t look so much like Downys.
• Spotting scopes that fold up and fit into your pocket.
• Canada Geese that vow to improve their potty habits at parks and on golf courses.
• Foliage that becomes invisible when you want to look at a bird.
• Binoculars that automatically show up when you see an interesting bird and didn’t remember to bring them with you.
• Crows that sing opera and tell jokes so that people will quit saying, “It’s just a crow.
• So many applications for membership that Georgia Audubon must add staff to handle them all.

 
I know this list is a pretty tall order, Santa, but you’ve been known to be very generous.
            

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